| Happy birthday Mistress Jadis |
[Apr. 20th, 2009|03:38 pm] |
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Dear Mistress - hope you have a wonderful birthday - and that the next year is full of double the fun of the last one. |
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| Trying to understand how much more I need |
[Jun. 7th, 2008|02:53 pm] |
It's time to take stock of where I think my kink is taking me.
These will be ramblings and for many, I suspect, over the top.
I think I'm now pretty clear what I am seeking. After all the tentative steps over the last couple of years - and even more tentative ones over the decades before - I now know I want to experience the most extreme and prolonged pain that can be inflicted on my balls and my cock.
It's not simply that I want to 'experience' it. I want to be *required* by my Mistress to endure agony in every part of my genitals (but most of all my testicles), and to know (best of all, to be told) that its not going to stop and will get worse without limits, except what pleases her.
And for me it is so important that it is my genitals that are being tortured, and that they are the canvass I can offer to Mistress to paint so much pain on.
What I think about all the time now is longer and longer sessions; and repeated sessions, with only an hour or two's break over a few days. I SO want the pain to accumulate in layers, as each repeat starts from a more unendurable place. This isn't just fantasy. I have had some sessions where I returned after a few hours, and a number where I returned the next day or a couple of days later, and wish I could take that much further. I long for this kind of service and torment to be repeated as often as possible. I need my balls to go on hurting afterwards for as long as possible.
I'm not remotely unrealistic. about this. I know that the obsessiveness of this fantasy is completely coloured by sexual arousal. And I know that in the session, that arousal is completely replaced with fear and the reality of pain (which is desperation for it it to stop). But if it wasn't that kind of 'how can I survive this' experience, there wouldn't be much point.
I have sometimes (not very often) had sessions that turned out to be milder than I expected, and I simply felt disappointed that I hadn't asked for it to be more severe. But far more serious than 'disappointment', without the unendurable pain, you can't have the transcendent moments, where you again long for more pain with which to serve Mistress.
Of course I also like other dimensions than just full-on pain. I love sensuousness and light and shade. I should confess that I have gone to sessions with Mistress Jadis pleased to think there might be some relief from the relentless severity Mistress Servalan can impose. (I should make clear that severeity and laughter and variety coexist very happily.) But the wonderful thing that happens is that Mistress Jadis goes on to inflict extreme and unexpected pain that literally leaves me screaming - but so fulfilled.
The other thing I now think I need is to experience every form and degree of CBT. More than anything, I love the sense of Mistress going on a journey of discovery to see what new kinds of suffering (and hence fun) can be drawn from my balls and cock.
My favourite thing is having blows rained down on my balls. One wish is to have this happen at the hands of a number of Mistresses - all at once and taking turns - so that my balls are beaten continuously and massively for hours. I have had a small taste of this with Mistress Servalan and Mistress Jadis together, but I long for it to be even more unrelenting - turn after turn after turn. sadly, this is a big ask and not something I will easily be able to pull together.
I long to have complex patterns branded onto my cock head, then all down the shaft and accross my balls. I love the brands I already have. Sadly again, I am limited to less obtrusive brands.
I need to have my cock and balls pierced and cut in every way possible. I am so instinctively frightened by this, it will be unbelievably hard to have deeper head piercings, for example. I also really want to experience having my testicles pierced through. It won't happen because Mistress does not feel there is a safe way to do it. But I still wish for it.
Then there is the natural world - ant and bee stings on my genitals, stinging nettles. I haven't had either of these and so wish I had.
And stretching, and hanging and binding and whipping and crushing...
I feel I have only just started to explore cbt. SO much more needs to happen - if only I can find the means to do it over the years. |
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| Meme from mistress_jadis |
[Nov. 4th, 2007|09:31 am] |
Mistress Jadis tagged me with this meme - six things that make you happy.
1. Every time I think of mistress_jadis taking my balls in her hands after she had been kicking or punching them for a while and beginning to crush. Thinking of the way her eyes became misty and internal as she tested to see if the latest blows had made them more sensitive.
2. Watching the sun on the leaves in the trees and the sea of green I see from my upstairs study window.
3. Longing for the next time Mistress Servaln breaks me by making me endure more pain in my balls and cock than I every thought possible. The moment of submission as I give in to the continuing blows or whip strokes.
4. My cat resting in my arms as we stand on the balcony and fel the breeze and watch the birds.
5. Yesterday's grey and showery day. Smell the rain.
6. Hoping that in a couple of weeks Ms Servalan will inflict the most severe ball and cock whipping I've experienced. Remembering the searing pain of the singletail on my cock head. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2007|09:38 pm] |
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I just thought I'd post my favourite pic from the cnbtorture contest earlier this year. I guess I hope Mistress will be including similar suspension by the balls in tomorrow's 10 hr session.( :) ) |
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| Waiting for extended session |
[Sep. 9th, 2007|11:02 am] |
I haven’t posted in my journal for a very long time. Mostly I seem to post to the cnbtorture community.
But I want to record my anticipation of my first extended session with Mistress Servalan. The session will be 9-10 hours. Later in the session I hope we will be joined by Mistress’s new apprentice Mistress Jadis.
This will be the high point of my experience of cock and ball torture and of my submission to Mistress.
Of course the course of the session will be entirely in Mistress’s control; but I can’t help having some hopes and expectations. I expect my balls and cock to be in the greatest pain I have ever experienced. My submission to Mistress is to give her complete control over what is done to my balls and cock. While I trust her to keep me safe, she will inflict whatever torture she wishes – and I hope her wishes will be for far more agony than I have ever imagined.
She has indicated that there will be repeated bouts of ball punching and beating. I expect the level of impact and pain from these will increase throughout the day as my balls become more and more damaged. While targets might undermine Her spontaneity, I do hope that they will receive between 3,000 and 5,000 punches and blows. I hope for a similar pattern with ball kicking and cock whipping.
One good thing about Mistress Jadis not arriving until later in the session is that I hope Mistress will want to provide her with training in her most severe style of ball beating – despite the fact that my balls may be in extreme pain from all that has happened before. This is full martial arts punches with full body weight. These terrific blows can go on repeatedly for many hundreds of blows. The two Mistresses perfecting this kind of severity together is something I am longing for. I hope the same will be true of ball kicking and cock whipping.
It is very likely that the session will include caging. I imagine that this could include ongoing torture like electro or weights, but of course I don’t really know.
And that is the point of this session. I can’t really imagine it. I expect that it will include all the tortures I know – whipping, piercing, crushing, stretching, wax, electro, incense branding… But I have no idea how this will be experienced.
I know that there will be fun, laughter, and brutal sadism. But I don’t know how any of that will mix. I am actually afraid that She will become bored, so I really hope she will extract whatever unconstrained sadistic pleasure she will most enjoy.
The real point is that when I walk in the door, I will disappear into Mistress’s world and lose any sense of when that will come to an end. I hope this will be the most intense sense of submission to Her as my total desire not to disappoint her is at war with a level of agony I haven’t experienced before and fear of continuing vs fear of abandonment.
I think this will be an extraordinary experience. But on a lighter note, I do know my balls and cock are going to be in very bad shape at the end – and for a long while after I expect. That will be fun :D |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|09:44 pm] |
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Well, here is he first post I've made to my own journal. A small record of an excursion - deper and deeper I hope - into cock & ball torture.
Today I am impatiently waiting for what I hope will be my most severe torture yet - in six days time.
Last time my balls were beaten for a lot of a three hour session and swelled up to the size of a grapefruit. (I know because I compared them). This time the ball beating will be a bit longer and, as far as I can tell from the one hour session I had a fortnight ago, will deliver far more intense impact into each testicle.
My hope is that the beating - with mistress's lead weighted glove delivering her kung fu punches, and a heavy latex dildo smashing into each ball in turn - will quickly reach the point where each new blow becomes more intensely excruciating because of the damage the previous ones have done. My mentor, balltoy, says the pain should become so intense you can pass out. I very much hope I get to that level of pain this time.
I must try to keep count, but it should be possible to receive well over 1,000 blows in the two hours I expect to be devoted to ball beating.
The other part of the session should be far more intense too. I am expecting to have piercings right through the head of my cock. The most I had last time were a couple through the rim.
I expect there wil be plenty more - ball kicking will certainly be part of it. Balltoy also says he has e-mailed some severe suggestions to mistress which perhaps she'll try.
And there will also be an audience - hopefully encouraging Mistress to be as severe as possible.
Oh the anticipation! |
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